Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
