there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
