We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
