I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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