I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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