Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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