is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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