I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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