I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
