I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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