Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
