i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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