NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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