You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
