it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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