you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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