someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
