I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
