News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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