CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
