My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
