I was born with a shot glass in my hand
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
