Please, let me fuck your mom
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
