so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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