You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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