I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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