I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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