Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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