Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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