She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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