It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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