Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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