I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
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You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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