just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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