Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
