Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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