I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My vagina is officially offended.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
