did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
