the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
