i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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