He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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