i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
