this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
