when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found a bag of teeth...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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