The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
