I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
