I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
