New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
