She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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