Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
