How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
