we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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