Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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